Tag: conception

Be Careful What You Wish For

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Originally posted July 12, 2015 on Merely Mothers (now Evie & Sarah)

After four failed IUIs, two natural, two medicated, I was ready for something different in my attempts to conceive. I wanted more information. Yes, my fertility tests in December and January all came back great, but clearly something wasn’t working. Maybe it was the timing. Maybe it was mid-cycle hormone levels. Maybe I wasn’t producing a mature egg each month. Or maybe I just had bad luck. Whatever it was, I wanted to know—one way or the other. Knowledge is power and all that jazz, right? Surely, I’d feel better knowing.

Surely, I need my head examined.

As I entered my first monitored cycle my anxiety began to rise. I began to worry about cancelled cycles due to overstimulation or crazy hormone levels. As someone whose intuition is frequently spot on, I should have taken this as a sign, but my optimistic side brushed it off. Monitoring was new. New things can be a little scary. Everything would be fine. After all, the mid-cycle blood work and ultrasounds were what I asked for—more knowledge=more power.

So I went into my first monitoring appointment the day after the fourth thinking the previous night’s fireworks were just the start of a summer of celebrations. The appointment, though not particularly pleasant, was rather uneventful. My results later that day left me hopeful. I had one leading follicle that was looking good, a fine lining, and expected estrogen levels—all things I wouldn’t have known without monitoring. Knowing felt good.

Two days later I returned, hoping for a nice mature follicle so I could take my trigger shot and schedule IUI lucky #5 for later that week. Familiar with the routine now, I kept the phone close as I went about the day waiting for the nurse to call with my results, those numbers, that knowledge that would bolster my hope. Or break my heart.

I don’t know how big my leading follicle grew. And I don’t know what my estrogen ended up at. Because when the nurse called to fill me with knowledge, the only words I heard were cyst and cancelled cycle.

The latter was crushing because it meant I wouldn’t even get a chance at motherhood this month and maybe not for a couple months. But the former was far more frightening. I’d been down that road before. The last time I was blindsided by a cyst it left me with a four inch scar and required some pretty significant healing time. And I had been ‘lucky’ then; nothing major had to be removed and there was no lasting internal damage. So, of course, I panicked. Then I did something even more stupid—looking for more of that all-important knowledge, I Googled.

Thankfully, in this case Dr. Google and the girls on my trying to conceive boards actually quelled some of my initial worry. Cysts come in all kinds, shapes, and sizes, and most disappear on their own. Cancelled cycles due to cysts are fairly common, particularly after taking drugs that mess with your hormones as I had done. Very often you can try again the next month. My RE was on vacation, of course, so once the shock wore off, I called back the nurse to beg for a little more information. This time more knowledge was reassuring. She couldn’t tell me too much over the phone but did assure me that although the cyst was on my ovary, it was also much smaller than the one I had in college that required surgery to remove. We scheduled a follow up for later this month with my doctor, and she told me not to worry in the meantime.

Not worrying is about as easy as not stressing, but I’m determined to make the most of this missed month. I won’t know more, can’t know more, until I wait a bit to see what happens to the cyst. While ignorance is not bliss, this month has taught me neither is knowledge. So while I wait, I’ll be doing my best to make my own bliss. After all, there are beaches to be walked, books to be read, and novels to be published (fingers crossed on that one!).

photo credit: Wish via photopin (license)

When You’re Trying to Conceive, It’s Not as Easy as “Just Relax”

Posted in Single motherhood, trying to conceive1 Comment

Originally posted June 28, 2015 on Merely Mothers (now Evie & Sarah)

If you’re looking to get slapped upside the head, there’s no faster way than telling a woman who’s been unsuccessfully trying to conceive, “Maybe you just need to relax.” First off, the stress of TTC isn’t usually directly related to the act of conception. Though sitting in the stirrups or bedding down at the precise moment your ovulation predictor kit flashes that annoying little smiley face may not be the most exciting or enjoyable way to make babies, it’s not the main cause of stress.

The stress of trying to conceive comes from other sources. It’s from watching your savings dwindle down to nothing. It’s having to take days off work and not being able to tell your students or coworkers or bosses why you’re falling behind. It’s from worrying whether getting too hot running around with the kids on field day or drinking one cold beer mid-cycle was the reason you’re staring down another stark negative. It’s from being relaxed, and positive, and hopeful  for weeks at a time only to face disappointment month after month.

Speaking for myself, I wasn’t a stressed out person before I began this journey, or at least any more than anyone else. This journey has caused additional stress. And like most people TTC, I’m doing my best to deal with it, but there’s no magic stress zapper. Relaxing requires time, patience, and support. Specifically what’s worked to keep me on the side of sanity during my TTC journey has been music, meditation, and amazing friends.

Sing me a song

Music has always had the ability to affect my mood like nothing else can. I’m a sucker for sappy lyrics; I have a long list of songs I can’t hear without bawling, which can be embarrassing when one starts playing in the produce aisle. On the flipside, an upbeat tune can instantly improve my mood. So when I went in for my first IUI, I made myself a playlist of songs that give me hope, make me smile, or turn me into a happy, dancing fool. I listen to it on the drive into the clinic each month and anytime in between when I feel my anxiety spiking. Having my own private dance party in the kitchen or the car helps ease the nerves, and considering I dance even worse than your average short, chubby white girl, it also gives me a much needed opportunity to laugh at myself! You can check out my playlist here.

Deep breaths and downward dogs

I’ve never been able to cross my legs, close my eyes, and meditate on my own. When I’ve tried in the past, my mind has wandered or I’ve fallen asleep. But I have always loved the short, guided meditations that instructors sometimes use at the end of yoga classes. So when I started my TTC journey I looked for an at-home program specifically for woman trying to conceive and discovered the Yoga and Meditation for Fertility DVD by Kate Atkinson. This is not a yoga workout meant to build great strength or endurance. It is a three-part program focusing on helping fertility through reducing stress and increasing blood flow to the reproductive organs with a series of stretches and gentle movements. And, for me, it is the perfect way to relax after a workout or before bed.

Another meditation tool that’s helped me is the Circle and Bloom IVF and IUI Mind Body Program, which is a set of CDs with guided meditation for each day of your cycle. It focuses on breathing, relaxation, and visualization. These were recommended and loaned to me by a friend who had gone through IVF. They may seem a bit expensive to buy on your own, but now that I’ve used them, I would definitely say they’re worth it.

With a little help from my friends

Remaining calm and collected isn’t always easy, and sometimes it’s not even recommended. Sometimes in order to ‘relax’ we first need to deal with what’s stressing us out to begin with. The best way to do that is talking with friends. Whether it’s that friend who’s gone through her own TTC struggles or the one who’s been your soul sister since practically the moment you met, talking with friends about this journey is crucial and comforting. I know that a few days after a negative test I’ll be able to return to the yoga mat or my happy music mix, but in the moments just after, I want to cry, and drink wine, and have a BFF drive across town to comfort me with s’mores and a hug. That’s the first step to “Just relaxing.”

So while I don’t recommend telling a couple or single woman trying to conceive that “Maybe it’ll happen if you just relax,” I do recommend to others in the TTC phase to find what makes you happy, comforted, and calm, and do it. Dance like a fool, drink like a fish (at least for that one night), and downward dog your way to chillax. And if you have a day when none of it works, don’t beat yourself up. Stress is part of life—and parenthood. Think of those bad days as bootcamp for when the baby does come—and it will come, in its own way and its own time.

 

Photo credit: Anya Berkut

Pre-Conception Plans and Decisions

Posted in Single motherhood, trying to conceiveLeave a comment

Originally posted on January 25, 2015 on Merely Mothers (now Evie & Sarah)

As the country preps for Super Bowl Sunday by making tough decisions (full-body or just face paint? boneless or bone-in?), I’ve been making some pretty super-sized pre-game decisions myself.

When I played youth soccer, my pre-game routine involved meditating with my legs crossed, goalie gloves on, ball in hand, visualizing acrobatic saves of the sort I could only dream of making. But we did have a perfect record: we never won a game. Zen I was; Belichick I was not. By college, pre-gaming took on a whole new meaning. For some it still ended with scoring. For me, I never enjoyed the bar scene and never scored more than a killer headache, so I guess I botched that, too.

Now that I’m gearing up to become a single mother, I’m hoping a couple decades of experience and endless hours of research will lead to a more successful pre-game, or pre-conception plan. And though every mom-to-be’s path will vary, I’m also hoping that hearing my thought process might make some of the toughest decisions a little easier for the next woman.

How single women do it

Adoption or conception. Both are great options, and each appealed to me, for different reasons. Since I can’t have a baby without a little help myself, adoption seemed like a wonderful opportunity to in turn help a woman who needed a loving family for her child. Unfortunately, not all adoption agencies consider a family of one adequate, and even those that do were unaffordable to this single chick without taking out a serious loan, something I’d rather not do if I have another option. Luckily, I’ve always wanted to experience pregnancy. I’ve already got big feet and cankles, so I might as well have something miraculous accompany them, right?

Where?

It never even occurred to me that single women had options for this question. I just assumed if Mr. Right wasn’t doing the job that Dr. Somebody ought to be. Actually, though, there are other choices. Frankly, when I first heard the term “turkey-baster method,” I chuckled, and when I saw there were instructional YouTube videos, I ran. But for some women who want to save money and try conceiving at home, it’s a viable option. (And I was relieved to learn it usually involves a sterile syringe rather an actual turkey baster.) Others, who seek the comfort of home but the knowledge of a pro, hire a mid-wife to do the insemination. I suppose this might be the best of both worlds, but for me, if I can’t have an expert in the art of lovemaking, I want an expert in the field of reproduction. Enter the RE, or reproductive endocrinologist.

There are no shortages of fertility clinics these days, and at least in Massachusetts, where I live, all are welcoming to and experienced with the needs of single women. With so many choices, I picked a clinic with satellite offices close to my home and work, and one that a couple close to me recommended. With these choices made, only one big play was left to call.

Who’s Your Daddy?

With Prince Charming absent, an unknown donor was the only option I considered here. Some women have male friends whom they feel comfortable enough asking for a ‘free sample.’ I don’t. And even if I did, I’d think long and hard about this one. Unless you’re trying the at-home methods, you’re not actually saving money, as the sperm will still need to be tested and frozen for a time by the clinic to assure it’s safe and viable.

More importantly, you could be opening yourself up to future challenges that would not only destroy your friendship, but could also affect your future child. According to Single Mothers by Choice, no matter what legal documents are drawn up ahead of time, once the child is a reality, courts will almost always rule on the side of providing the child with access to both biological parents. So if your friend later decides he wants to be a dad, not just a donor, you could lose sole custody. Those are muddy waters I’d rather not ever have to wade through. I’m accepting the fact I don’t have a suitable dad for my future child (yet) and will need the help of an unknown, but much appreciated stranger. Choosing that perfect stranger is another challenge for another day.

There are dozens more decisions to be made, some of which I’ll gladly write about at a later date, but I’ve learned from my past not to cling too tightly to pre-laid plans. Our choices change as life changes. That’s okay. Sometimes the best plays are the audibles called on the line of scrimmage.

Book referenced: Mattes, Jane. Single Mothers by Choice: A Guidebook for Single Women Who Are Considering or Have Chosen Motherhood. New York: Times, 1994.

Photo credit: Richard Berg via photopin cc